Do you know the feeling when you’ve accomplished something you knew you wanted to do but weren’t sure you could pull off?  It feels amazing right?  A real sense of self satisfaction.  Well, welcome to the learning curve of creating the right frame with women. 

Many men I consult with and even friends of mine are sometimes incredulous about the way I speak to women.  I might show them a thread of text messages or recount a conversation from a date and 2 things usually happen: they crack up laughing and second they ask how I had the balls to say that and get away with it.

We’ve all known guys who could get away saying anything to any women almost all the time, even when we couldn’t.   I spent a large part of my life being one of those guys who couldn’t.  But what I learned was that with the proper frame, you can say, act, or do anything, as long as it’s congruent with that frame.  My frame is direct, confident, funny and intelligent.  In other words, I have found a way to express these components of my character openly and without inhibition.  As an example, when I make fun of a girl-in a positive, witty, and funny way-she usually goes along with it because it’s consistent with how she perceives me.  Just as when I make a strong physical move, such as taking her hand, or leading her around the bar, or moving in for a kiss, the girl is more likely to go with it because of how she perceives the identity I have established. 

Lisa, who was the subject of Monday’s Field Report, is very hot.  In my past life I would have been way too intimidated to even approach her.  The fact that I was aware of this meant that a lot of other guys probably felt the same.  So given what I do for a living, and having an obvious interest in how men and women relate, I asked her if she thought she intimated guys.  She told me a story about how recently her and her girlfriend were at a bar talking and having a drink.  There were two attractive guys sitting behind them.  The guys spent an hour staring at them but never approached.  She told me she got so mad because her and her girlfriend would have happily spoken to them if they had just come over.  It was really obvious the guys wanted to but couldn’t seem to do it. 

I then asked her if she gets set up by her friends and if those ever work out.  She explained she has been set up, and with guys that look perfect on paper, but when they go out there is rarely any “chemistry” or “sparks”.  Well, upon hearing this, and knowing how hot she is, I would have to deduce that about 99% of the guys she has experienced like this did not want the date to go this way. 

In these cases it didn’t matter if these guys had looks like Brad Pitt, or money like Bill Gates, or any other characteristic you think you might be lacking.  The problem was there was no “spark”.  These guys were too intimidated to express themselves and create and control the frame of interaction.  I know how these dates went.  I use to go on them all the time.  Too painful to recount actually.  You sit there, completely freaked out as well as angry at yourself because you can’t shake your fear and get the girl. 

Of course a huge part of this is a lack of knowledge, but even with knowledge you won’t get results overnight.  It takes practice.  You don’t know yourself as anything other than what you have been in these situations.  If you want to go from being bottled up, shy, and intimidated to expressing the stronger parts of your personality and character and reframing how you do that, it’s going to take time.  But it’s this time that you spend doing this that separates you from just about every other guy out there….

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